


just cease to exist

by bbyfruit



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 18:11:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13529793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyfruit/pseuds/bbyfruit
Summary: five times isak and even don't understand each other and one time they do.





	just cease to exist

**Author's Note:**

> title from memento mori by crywank

**i.**

even’s scatterbrained with an artist’s mind — forgets to wash paint off his hands before bed, leaves blue stains on their sheets; forgets to eat and realises with a jolt; forgets to close the windows so isak comes home to find him dead asleep in the freezing cold.

and isak’s not, like,  _ responsible _ . he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing either, so there’s this special little brand of chaos that thrives within the walls of their apartment. 

their first real fight stems from a misunderstanding.

isak asked even to pick up milk over text and even claims he didn’t get the message, claims it never came through because his phone was off at work but isak knows for a  _ fact  _ that he texted mahdi halfway through his shift and he doesn’t fucking understand why even’s lying right now.

“it’s just milk, for fuck’s sake,” he says, close to tears. even’s chewing at his bottom lip. “like, i wasn’t mad until you lied about it.”

“i didn’t lie about it!” even exclaims with his hands running through his hair, standing beside isak, who’s sitting cross-legged on the bed because he can’t handle standing right now. “i didn’t lie, isak. you have to trust me.”

isak bristles. “i don’t  _ have  _ to do anything.”

“are you seriously nit-picking what i say right now?”

when even gets mad, isak learns, his voice gets low and he tilts his head down to look at isak with clouds in his eyes. he’s scarily calm and isak just wants to scream.

“can’t you just admit that you lied?” isak asks and he’s really crying now because he hates this, hates that they’re fighting and hates that even’s not the person he trusts most in the world right now and hates how everything he knows feels altered because of it. 

“no, because i didn’t! i had my phone off, i texted mahdi on my break, and then i turned it off again. your message didn’t come through.”

“okay,” isak says, wiping at his tears, “fine. whatever. i trust you.”

“you obviously don’t,” even answers. his voice breaks and isak notices for the first time that even’s crying too, tears streaming down his face and he sniffs.

“hey, listen, i trust you, okay?” isak stands and places both hands on either side of even’s face. “i trust you. i love you and i trust you and i’m sorry.”

even lets out a breath into his shoulder. “i love you and i trust you and i’m sorry,” he echoes back.

 

**ii.**

isak’s a science nerd. he spends his free time reading articles about new discoveries in dna transcription and sends the links to sana and finds himself oversharing his love for cells as a concept, because they’re fucking cool. 

even’s not a science nerd.

like, not at all, to the point where he once asked isak if chemistry was the one with the boxes and the numbers. but even gets excited about paint that’s deep black and his face lights up when he talks about duchamp and he slams doors when he gets mad about banksy’s bullshit art.

even can’t fall asleep and he asks isak to tell him a story.

“i don’t know any stories,” isak answers, running his hands through even’s hair as it pillows on isak’s chest.

“just tell me anything.”

isak pauses, thinking. “you know,” he says eventually, “receptor proteins are specifically designed to be activated by specific ligands?”

he feels even furrow his brow.

“like, their shapes fit together perfectly,” isak continues, still with his hand running through even’s hair.

even catches isak’s hand in his own. “you think we’re like that?”

and isak’s taken aback by that, because that’s not what he was getting at, but he takes a moment to consider it.

“no,” he answers slowly. “because it’s kind of scary to think that we’re only made for each other and there’s no other possibilities out there.”

and fuck, that’s the wrong thing to say. even stiffens.

“if there are parallel universes…” he starts.

“we’re together in an infinite number of them,” isak finishes with confidence.

even shifts a little. “but we’re apart in an infinite number of them, too.”

“yeah.”

“yeah.”

 

**iii.**

fear is a part of love. 

and isak scares even when he doesn’t eat because he doesn’t think he deserves it and even scares isak when he’s dancing without music and painting the walls and it’s terrifying, really, to be living with a person you love so much it consumes you.

isak thinks he’ll die if anything happens to even. he never says it outloud.

even does, one night, says, “i think i wouldn’t know how to live without you.”

and there’s a part of isak that whispers that it’s not healthy but there’s a bigger part of him that answers with a kiss and a hushed and revenant agreement.

they’re young and in love.

everybody says so.

but fear is a part of love and isak is scared out of his mind most of the time.

not only for even, but for himself as well, because even has taken a piece of him and he carries it away every time he leaves the house and if he leaves forever, if they ever stop loving each other like this, then isak honestly believes he might wither away. and that’s horrifying.

he doesn’t understand when it happened. he doesn’t know when even became his whole world and he realises that he hasn’t seen jonas in weeks and he barely even talks to magnus and mahdi anymore and everything is just so full of even, his mind and his heart and his soul and down into the depths of his being, even’s left his mark.

isak is deathly afraid.

 

**iv.**

“i think i’ll love you forever,” isak says into the darkness that surrounds them. “at least on some level.”

“i think i’ll love you on every level,” even answers. he’s tracing patterns onto isak’s naked skin with the tips of his fingers and isak shivers at his touch.

 

**v.**

he doesn’t even remember how the fight started. it was probably something stupid and careless and irrelevant in the long run but it turned bad, nasty, rotting from the inside out and he said it to hurt even.

“you’re not the person i fell in love with.”

and even goes cold and still and asks quietly, “what does that mean?”

isak takes time before he answers. “it means you’ve changed.”

“that’s not a bad thing,” even says, calm and steady and he levels isak with his gaze.

“no, it’s not.” isak tilts his chin up to meet even’s eyes. “i’ve changed too. you changed me.”

“are you blaming me for that?” even asks. he sounds genuinely concerned and isak lets himself be proud for a minute, proud that he broke through the lens of the fight.

“i’m just saying that being with you has made me into a different person and that’s neither of our faults. it’s just how it is.”

even lets out a breath and isak watches his chest go hollow with it. “god, isak,” he says, “you’re killing me, you know that? i just don’t understand.”

isak blinks. “understand what?”

“understand how you’re so good for me and so bad for me at the same time. understand how you make me feel. understand everything that went right and everything that went wrong. i just… i don’t fucking get it.”

and isak shrugs, letting his shoulders roll gently. he doesn’t cry during their fights anymore.

they just don’t understand each other anymore.

 

**+i.**

they know when it’s time. it’s not something they discuss, really, but just something they know. and they fuck in all isak’s favorite ways that last time, peaceful and gentle, slow and strong.

it’s the first time that isak still feels whole after even pulls out.

“that’s it?” even asks quietly, laying beside him.

isak breathes. “yeah,” he answers, and he’s surprised to hear how steady his voice is. “this is it.”

he can feel even shift beside him and then there’s a fleeting kiss brushing against the tip of his eyebrow and he can’t help but smile. 

“love you always,” even says.

“love you always.”

even moves about the room, picking up his clothes — maybe they’re isak’s clothes. he doesn’t really know anymore. 

isak stays in bed and breathes.

“i’m going to head to mikael’s,” even tells him with a sad smile, swinging a backpack over his shoulder. “i’ll come back for some other stuff later?”

“that’s good,” isak replies. he’s on his back and staring up at the ceiling.

even moves to the door.

“hey, even?” isak calls out without moving his head. 

there’s a pause, a moment where he just knows even has his hand on the doorknob.

“you understand why, right?”

he hears the door open. 

“yeah, isak,” even answers. “i understand.”

**Author's Note:**

> evil laughter thru tears
> 
> come yell at me on [tumblr](https://lesbovilde.tumblr.com/)


End file.
